I had a dream last night that reeked of closure. It was bittersweet, but heavier on the sweet than on the bitter. I spent a long time feeling bitter, slighted, cheated. It was like my subconscious unlocked all of the good things that I knew and still repressed because it was easier to feel bitter, slighted, cheated. It came to a peaceful conclusion which is that he cared for me, always will in some way, but things changed as we tried to catch the same train and one of us missed it. Happens. And even though it was only a dream, it felt real enough to give me peace and happiness. On to the next then. Or to nothing.

As I said to Rachel just today, love isn’t happening for me. And even though that is a longing of my heart, I can live without it. I will keep doing what I want to do in my own time, and I’ll make the most of everything I’ve been given and have worked for, forsaking wishes, and build a life that is exciting for me. What could be better?

And so in the spirit of freedom, I’m sojourning to Costa Rica for three weeks this summer. I’m going to backpack my way across the country, stay in hostels, eat local food, and brush up my horrendous Spanish. I’m also fully planning to hike through the rainforest, sometime before or after I zipline through its canopy. I might take pictures, but I don’t own a digital camera and I can’t afford one. So maybe not. Either way, I’m carving my spot.

My God, My God, I do not understand marriage. Nor do I understand the
craze that seems to suggest to people “hey, even though you’ve only
known each other for three weeks and have only great physical chemistry
between you, it’s still a perfect time to get married because, hey, you
can get divorced should it not work out!”

Where is the gravity for which marriage, a HUGE step, calls? Really,
have all level-headed young women decided the earlier the better for
marriage, perhaps in fear that if not now, when?

LOVE IS NOT LUST. AND MARRIAGE NEEDS TO BE CONSIDERED FOR A LENGTHY
PERIOD OF TIME, ALLOWING FOR LIVING TOGETHERNESS IN ORDER TO DETERMINE
THE DEPTH OF SAID UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. WHY, WHY WOULD  YOU SUBJECT
YOURSELF TO YOUNG MARRIAGE, PREGNANCY, CHILDREN, WHEN STATISTICS SHOW
THAT HALF, THAT’S RIGHT HALF, OF YOU WILL BE DIVORCED WITH STILL AN
UNCOUNTABLE AMOUNT COMPLETELY MARRIED AND UNHAPPY?

BULLSHIT.

That’s right, I said bullshit. Buck the fuck up, gain some
self-confidence, and learn to live alone, in charge of only you.
Because if you don’t, you’ll be pretty damn clueless when you find
yourself abandoned at thirty-five with teenage children and no means of
providing for yourself, much less them. Jesus.

Why is it that stupidity is the least curable, most common epidemic in this country?

Granted, I have not posted here for a good long while. I’m going to school, and I’m successful — if not entirely happy.

I guess I just needed to post somewhere that I could do so without feeling as if someone on here might misconstrue it’s intent. It isn’t for anyone, really. Not for, not to, anyone.

I’m lonely.

Pathetic, maybe, longing. I’m just surrounded by people who are happy, who are loved, or are loving. I’m not anywhere like that. I’d like to be, but I’m not. It then goes to signify that I’m feeling trapped. Perhaps in a pattern that I am unaware of, or at least unable to control. Lack of prospects in my life, throughout it, leads me to believe that it is something I’m doing, saying, not doing, or not saying. I just don’t know.

Truth be told, I hate myself for feeling this way. Thinking this way. It’s not like it’s something I know how to help… I’ve always been strong and independent, and can and will continue to be so. I just long for someone to accompany me through life. And that hopefully, I can do the same for. Instead, I read books about people who that has happened for. And I show up at work and listen to five hours of romantic gushing, and of sexual TMI. Not that I mind their happiness, or that I begrudge the love they have found, but every word reminds me that I’m no closer to that then I was when I was born. I’m steady. I don’t stray from my life choices often. I think that cowardice lends heavily to my situation.  But I can’t help but be what I am. I can’t help but do what I do.

So I guess I’m locked in a battle of futility with myself. Nothing new, but certainly unwelcome.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHEL MARCIA FOREMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of all the people in the world that I dislike, sometimes I dislike myself the most.

hey everyojne,. this is rachel. fuck you kjatie quit e pushing down on tdh fucknig compuger srenn. i hate you bitch

sooooooooooo, one time? when i was like, playing? around? with myself? i like totally was like OMIGOD WTF IS THAT FKING SMELL?

hahaha

but really, folks, this is nils writing to you from katie’s site.

i know that no one i know really reads this, so i can be totally open and honest.

okay.

i’m……….. gay

Whahahah. In the computer lab at school and actually awake enought to update. Why? I dunno. But that’s all I have to say. I work a lot, do homework a lot, miss my Rachie a lot, and sleep not a lot. That is all. Bubbye.

I don’t work tonight. What does that mean? A nap. And cleaning the bathroom. And finishing homework. And practicing. Nap first, definitely. I hope everyone is doing well and their lives are good. But for now, peace out.

I didn’t say I wouldn’t update this one. So, Fras might make me a tenor in jazzline this year. I don’t want to be a tenor. And if that is the case, I can probably yell at her, so that would be fun. To yell. At her. I have to leave for work in half an hour and I don’t want to. I ordered my texts online last night through amazon, and saved nearly a hundred dollars. How sweet is that? I just hope that they get here before the school starts. Or something. Anyway, I’ll talk to you all later. I think. Peace.

P.S. by all, I really mean Rachel.