Granted, I have not posted here for a good long while. I'm going to school, and I'm successful -- if not entirely happy.

I guess I just needed to post somewhere that I could do so without feeling as if someone on here might misconstrue it's intent. It isn't for anyone, really. Not for, not to, anyone.

I'm lonely.

Pathetic, maybe, longing. I'm just surrounded by people who are happy, who are loved, or are loving. I'm not anywhere like that. I'd like to be, but I'm not. It then goes to signify that I'm feeling trapped. Perhaps in a pattern that I am unaware of, or at least unable to control. Lack of prospects in my life, throughout it, leads me to believe that it is something I'm doing, saying, not doing, or not saying. I just don't know.

Truth be told, I hate myself for feeling this way. Thinking this way. It's not like it's something I know how to help... I've always been strong and independent, and can and will continue to be so. I just long for someone to accompany me through life. And that hopefully, I can do the same for. Instead, I read books about people who that has happened for. And I show up at work and listen to five hours of romantic gushing, and of sexual TMI. Not that I mind their happiness, or that I begrudge the love they have found, but every word reminds me that I'm no closer to that then I was when I was born. I'm steady. I don't stray from my life choices often. I think that cowardice lends heavily to my situation.  But I can't help but be what I am. I can't help but do what I do.

So I guess I'm locked in a battle of futility with myself. Nothing new, but certainly unwelcome.